Positive Parenting Classes

Directions

Directions to Family Paths’ Positive Parenting Classes

Park Boulevard Presbyterian Church
4101 Park Blvd.
Oakland

By Car

From Oakland: From 580 east, take the Park Blvd. street exit. At the light turn left and go up the hil onto Park Blvd. When you reach Hampel, turn left into the church parking lot. You may park in the church parking lot.

From Hayward From 580 west, take the Park Blvd./14th Street exit. At the light make a right turn onto Beaumont, and go straight until you reach Park Blvd. Turn right at Park Blvd. and go about three blocks to Hampel. Make a left onto Hampel to the church parking lot. You may park in the church parking lot.

By Public Transport

AC TRANSIT: Bus line 15. Please call AC Transit for schedule and transfer information

BART: MacArthur, 12 Street, or 19th Street Oakland stops. Transfer to AC Transit bus 15 and get off at Park Blvd. and 14th Avenue. Hampel runs right into this intersection.

Grace Baptist Church
16105 Mateo Street
San Leandro

By Car

From Oakland: From 580 East, take the 164th Street /Mirimar Exit. Turn right on Liberty, turn left on 162nd, and proceed down to Mateo Street. The church is on the corner of 162nd and Mateo.

From Hayward: From 580 West, take the Caroline Street / 164th Street Exit. Make a right onto Foothill, another right onto Liberty, and proceed straight until you come to 162nd Street. Turn left, and proceed on to Mateo Street. The church is on the corner of 162nd and Mateo.

From 880 North: Take 238 toward Castro Valley. Take the Mission Blvd. / East 14th Street Exit. Make a left at Lewelling, and another left onto East 14th Street. Proceed to 162nd Street (look for Thrift Town) and turn right. The church is 1.5 blocks up on your left, on the corner of 162nd and Mateo.

By Public Transport

AC TRANSIT: Bus line 82. Please call AC Transit for schedule and transfer information.

Fremont Family Resource Center
39155 Liberty Street
Fremont, CA

By Car

From Downtown Oakland & Berkeley:
HWY 880 SOUTH
Take the Mowry Avenue Exit
Right onto State St.
(you will pass a mall with a Starbucks, Barnes and Noble’s, and an Uno Pizza Place just before State St.)
Left onto Capitol (1st left)
Right onto Liberty St (1st right: it comes up pretty quickly)
The Resource Center is on the right. You will see a medium size green and white sign. Two buildings are marked Family Resource Center; the second building contains the Mediterranean Room where the class is held.

From Hayward/South: HWY 880 NORTH
Take the Mowry Avenue Exit
Right onto State St.
(you will pass a mall with a Starbucks, Barnes and Noble’s, and an Uno Pizza Place just before State St.)
Left onto Capitol (1st left)
Right onto Liberty St (1st right: it comes up pretty quickly)
The Resource Center is on the right. You will see a medium size green and white sign. Two buildings are marked Family Resource Center; the second building contains the Mediterranean Room where the class is held.

By Public Transport

AC TRANSIT: buses that run in this area are the 20, 21 & 22. Please call AC Transit for schedule and transfer information.

BART: Fremont stop. You will need to catch a bus (20, 21 or 22) which run on Liberty Street.

Frequently Asked Parenting Questions

Positive Parenting Classes

How do I get my child to listen to me?

What’s wrong with spanking?

If I don’t spank, what else can I do?

How do I stop yelling at my child?

I need a break from my children. Where can I drop off my children?

Why won’t my child take a nap?

How can I get my child to talk to me?

How can my partner and I support each other, to be fair and consistent in our parenting style?

My child is getting in trouble at school. Is there something I am doing wrong?

How can I get my child to do their homework?

What can I do when I see someone abuse their child?

How can I get my friend to stop yelling at their child?

Who can I call when I’m stressed from parenting?

How do I know if something is child abuse?

How can I tell if a child is being abused?

How do I report child abuse?

At what age can you leave a child at home alone?

Is my child “normal“?

What is normal behavior for a 3 year old? 4 year old?

Why does my child seem to want to misbehave even though they know they will get in trouble?

How do I lower my stress when taking care of my children?

How do I stop my child from throwing a tantrum in public places?

How do I handle my wild teenager?

How do I stop my child from having sex?

Positive Parenting Classes

Family Paths offers parenting classes and a 24 Hour Parent Support and Resource Line for parents and caregivers in Alameda County. All parents/caregivers need to be loved and understood as much as the child they are raising. Therefore, we have focused primarily on ways that encourage and rebuild strong relationships between parents/caregivers and their child. Children need both healthy doses of love, understanding and encouragement as well as clear boundaries, discipline and guidance. There must be a good balance between the nurture and the structure.

Children need parents/caregivers who are willing to set clear limits and make sure they are followed. Children need good role models. Children need to learn how to be responsible for their own behavior, learn that it takes great effort to achieve their goals, learn how to keep going when the going is rough and learn how to make good choices. These things take time, patience and a lot of practice. As parents give their child choices, responsibilities and privileges, help them solve their problems and support them when they make mistakes, their children will grow to be more confident and empathic. Teaching children how to succeed in life, how to be a team player, a leader, and how to be responsible is a life-time job.

How do I get my child to listen to me?

First you must listen to your child. A child who feels listened to is a child who will listen. Oftentimes parents/caregivers do not expect their child to listen; they expect they will have to remind, nag and scold. When you really want your child to listen, get your child’s full attention, then get on your child’s level (sit down if necessary), establish good eye contact, and speak slowly and clearly. Let your child know what you want. Be sure your child understands the request and is capable of following through. After you have stated what you want, have your child repeat what you have said.

What’s wrong with spanking?

Spanking can work in stopping unwanted behavior fairly quickly. However, when we ask parents/caregivers if spanking is effective , and if it permanently stops the unwanted behavior, they invariably say ‘no’. Spanking does not normally change behavior, it does not give the child instructions on what they could do instead, nor does it show the child how to meet their own needs. Misbehavior is often a cry for an unmet need.

There can be negative lessons that are learned through spanking. Children may learn that the person who is bigger wins, or that hitting and hurting someone are ways to express your anger and disappointment. Spanking may breed fear, anger and rebelliousness and does not help the child learn to become responsible for their behavior. More importantly, when children fear they are going to get hurt when they make mistakes or mess up, they make sure they don’t get caught which means they learn to lie and become sneaky.

If I don’t spank, what else can I do?

Parents/Caregivers spank because they don’t know what else to do. They don’t want their child to get away with bad behavior. Children misbehave because they need to find a place where they feel loved, where they can find significance and where they can make a contribution and have a sense of belonging.

Here are a few techniques parents/caregivers can use to create a more harmonious home atmosphere:

• Set up some rules and expectations that everyone must follow – including the parents. Children feel safe when they have boundaries.
  
• Be the role model your children need. Remember they would rather see a sermon than hear one.
  
• Focus more on children’s strengths, talents, efforts, contributions, and assets than on what they are not doing right. This builds self esteem. When children feel better they do better.
  
• Give choices - start with two things “You can do either this or that.” As your child matures, gradually add another choice. Some children get confused with too many choices.
  
• Use Grandma’s rule: “When _____ then _____”. For example, your child wants to go to the movies, but hasn’t done his chores. Say, “When you get your chores done, then you can go to the movies.”
  
• Stay positive – you are building a long-term relationship with your child. Choose wisely which battles you want to engage in.
  
• Use humor. Humor makes everything a bit easier.
  
• Give your children age-appropriate chores. They need to feel they are making a contribution.
  
• Teach your child how to do things as you would like. Remember it takes time, patience and practice to learn how to do things.
  
  • Children will make mistakes. Everyone does. Help your child find ways to learn from the mistake. Do they need to apologize? Or repay someone? Remember, you want your child to learn from the mistake. Offer support and help them find a way to redeem themselves.
• Teach your child how to solve their problems. Brainstorm some ideas. Perhaps your child talks incessantly in class. Some ideas you can brainstorm with your child.
  
  • Ask the teacher to give more difficult in-class assignments
    
  • Move the child’s seat to the front or back
    
  • Have the child help the teacher clean the board, etc.
    
  • Come up with your list of ideas and choose the idea that seems to work best for your child. Give your child a week to try it out and assess if it’s working
  • Believe in your children so they can believe in themselves.
    
  • Pay attention to and acknowledge the behaviors you want your children to repeat.
    

  How do I stop yelling at my child?

  Yelling is a habit that you must become aware of, and like most other habits you must have something to replace it with before you can stop it. Normally, one does not just stop yelling. Yelling is reactive. It is something that was learned and it can be unlearned. Observe your behavior and the effect the yelling has on your child. If after yelling, you feel horrible and guilty, then this is an opportune time for change. To become proactive, ask yourself, “What can I do to get my point across and get my needs met instead of yelling and giving my power away?” Practice being calm.

  “I” messages are good if they are not overused. An “I” message helps to open up communication, focuses on your feelings about the child’s behavior and separates the behavior (deed) from the child (doer). Body language, tone of voice and the words used are vitally important. ‘I’ messages may not always work, therefore, parents must be willing to learn deep breathing techniques, count to 10 many times until the feelings subside, take a time out, or go to the bathroom and sit for 10 minutes. If the child is old enough to be left in house alone, take a walk in nature.

  To phrase an “I” message, tell the other person how you feel when they behave in a particular way that is upsetting to you and why. Then give specific instructions to explain the behavior you would like to see: “I” messages can be used to express positive feelings as well.

  “I feel (feeling word) when you _____________ because ________________. I need you to _________________.”

  For example:
  “I feel worried when you come home late because I don’t know if you are safe.
  I need you to call me if you’re going to be late and tell me what’s going on.
  

  I need a break from my kids. Where can I drop off my children?

  The best place to drop off your children is with a trusted family member or close friend if you need a break. Is there anyone in your area who might be able to watch your children? If the answer is no, there are still a few low/no cost options.

  In the East Bay Area:
  Call the Family Paths 24 Hour Support & Resource Line for parents/caregivers at (510) 893-5444 or (800) 829-3777 to set up free respite care for up to 72 hours for your children, depending upon availability.

  The Bay Area Crisis Nursery in Concord offers emergency respite care. (925) 685-8052 (0-5 years) (925) 685-3695 (6-11 years).

  Sometimes just getting together with other parents can make things easier. Habitot, in downtown Berkeley, is a wonderful place where children can play and parents can meet. Call (510) 647-1111.

  Use the internet as a tool to link you to additional resources. For example, there are numerous websites/forums where Bay Area Parents can receive helpful information from each other and even plan play dates and group meet ups.

  Why won’t my child take a nap?

  Some children, unfortunately for a stressed parent/caregiver, find it hard to take naps. Some children stop needing a nap as early as age 2. The child’s temperament plays a big role in how the child responds. Children who are easily frustrated or hyperactive sometimes get so tense they can’t fall asleep. They may need to feel your calm presence beside them before falling asleep. So, stay calm!! Create a ritual – give your child a bath, read something soothing, snuggle with him/her for 10 minutes or so. Sometimes just holding your child while you are drawing slow, deep breaths begins to clam them down. Make the house quiet if possible – turn off the TV, turn on some quiet music, close or pull down the blinds, etc.

  Watch your child’s intake of sugar. When children have been indoors all day, it may be difficult for them to go to sleep. They may need a little air or exercise. For other children, excessive exercise may over-stimulate them while others can sleep better afterwards. Learn what works best for your child and remain as calm as you can. Even with all of this, your child may not go to sleep but may rest quietly for a while.

  If your child still can’t sleep, this might be a time for the two of you to do quiet activities together like arts, crafts, games, puzzles, baking or taking a walk. There is a tremendous amount of learning that can take place during these activities. Moreover, spending this quality time with your child can build a strong, loving relationship with him/her that could last a lifetime.

  How can I get my child to talk to me?

  If you haven’t been talking to your child, you may want to begin by spending special time with them doing something they really enjoy doing. During this time, have fun and talk about nonessentials. Simply enjoy being with your child. Depending on your child’s age you could tell them silly jokes. Laughter helps everyone, especially children, relax. Most children love to hear and tell jokes. Laugh at their jokes even if you don’t find them funny. You are trying to re-establish a relationship and acceptance is essential. Play with your children and don’t ask too many personal questions at first because they may think you’re up to something. Perhaps you could start with questions like, what’s your favorite singing group, favorite song or game. What would you do if you were President of the United States? You’re simply finding out how your child thinks and what makes your child tick. Children have a lot of insight sometimes. Really listen without judgment when they talk.

  Before asking your child a lot of questions revisit what might have gone wrong between the two of you that created the rift. What roadblocks were set up that kept the child out? Were you too busy when he/she wanted to talk? Do you keep your promises? Sometimes parents/caregivers unwittingly tell their children they will do things like take them to Disneyland, and/or buy them things with no intention of following through. They say yes to their child’s requests to keep the child from incessantly whining, begging or complaining. If this is something that happens in your home, try not to tell your children in advance that you will take them places or buy them things, because when you don’t they become exceedingly hurt which often leads them into power struggles and/or revenge cycles with you, or children may just give up altogether. It is better to ‘surprise’ your children than to disappoint them.

  When your child does talk about their experiences, be a good listener and try not to judge what is being said. If necessary and appropriate, talk to your child about similar experiences you had when you were their age and how you handled particular problems. Some children benefit from hearing what their parents did at particular ages while others want nothing of it. Know your child. Help your child to think broadly and come up with solutions to their own problems. Support and encourage your child. Accept your child for who and what they are and let them know that you love and appreciate them.

  How can my partner and I support each other, to be fair and consistent in our parenting style?

  The most important person in this scenario is the child and their needs. Your ongoing concern is rearing your child. With your partner, outline what your child’s needs are, set family rules/guidelines and follow through respectfully.

  example, if there are rules around bedtime or dinner time, all these rules should be spelled out so everyone in the home understands and follows through. If the rule says the child will be in bed at 8:30 then they need to be in bed at 8:30. If one parent is strict and the other lenient and the lenient parent allows the child to go to bed later and later because they cry or beg, this could create havoc between the partners and confuse the child. The child may become more un-cooperative and disrespectful.

  Children need boundaries and need to learn to regard them. Moreover, the child’s behavior may begin to escalate and become more disrespectful. Children can become confused and manipulative when boundaries are too loose or there are no routines. They can learn at an early age to disrespect rules. They can develop an attitude that says, ‘rules are not for me but for others.’ Getting individual or family counseling could be very helpful.

  My child is getting in trouble at school. Is there something I am doing wrong?

  Acting out in school may be a way for a child to show their needs aren’t being met. This could be connected to their learning environment, their learning style, or other issues either peer or family related. Here are some actions you can take:

  • Find out what is happening at school. Is your child bored? Can they see the board? Can they hear what is being said? Is someone bullying them? Are they struggling with their school work?
    
  • Is education a family value? Is respect? If so, begin talking about valuing these things. Set up some guidelines and expectations regarding school behavior related to education and respect. Have children participate in setting these guidelines. When children are involved they are more cooperative.
    
  • Spend special time with the child doing something they like to do.
    
  • If possible, sit in the child’s classroom as frequently as you can. Depending on your child’s age, this might become very embarrassing, which may make your child behave better in order to avoid your being there.
    
  • Encourage the child for any effort or improvement.
    
  If your child is acting out, it does not mean you are not doing a good job parenting. If you’re reading this you’re clearly interested in making good choices for your children.

  How can I get my child to do their homework?

  Know your child. Some children need a break from schoolwork before beginning homework. Others do well coming home and beginning homework at once.

  • Be sure they understand how to do the assignments.
    
  • Help with homework, if possible, get a tutor, or have them join a study group.
    
  • Have a special place that is well-lit and quiet for homework to be completed. The kitchen table usually works well. Limit distractions (TV, radio, other children playing around).
    
  • Review every piece of your child’s homework and initial it. If your child is given homework once a week, have them complete a little each night so they don’t get overwhelmed. This develops consistency and discipline.
    
  • Develop a relationship with your child’s teacher and principal to ensure you’re aware of your child’s participation and behavior in class.
    
  • Completing homework is your child’s responsibility. The parent’s role is to provide an environment that is conducive for the child to complete their homework.

  What can I do when I see someone abuse their child?

  It is distressing to see a parent/caregiver abusing, grabbing, calling their children names, saying horrible things to them, like “I wish I never had you.” It is also disturbing to see a parent/caregiver neglecting their children, allowing them to run dangerously close to a busy street, seeming indifferent to what they’re doing, or ignoring them totally as they talk on their cell phone.

  • Do not criticize. It can make matters worse.
    
  • Remember that most parents love their children and want to do a good job parenting them.
    
  • Sympathize with them, “It seems like you’re having a rough time.”
    
  • Offer to help in small ways – help with the kids, carry groceries, watch the cart, walk them to the bus, etc.
    
  • Find something positive to say about the child and talk to the child if you can, “Wow! That is a pretty dress.” Anything to redirect their attention.
    
  • If possible, recall a time when you had a similar experience.
    
  • If the behavior continues, call 911.

  How can I get my friend to stop yelling at their kids?

  If you are in Alameda County, give them the 24 Hours Parent Support & Resource Line number (800) 829-3777 and have them call. Also, tell them that Family Paths has a great positive parenting class and encourage them to enroll. Let them know that parenting can be a hard job at times and that all parents need support at one time or another.

  He/She may need a lot of support. It sounds as though they may be under a lot of stress or may just have a habit of yelling. Perhaps yelling was the form of communication their parents used. There is probably something underlying all that yelling. There are some things you can do to help.

  • Listen intently.
    
  • It can be very beneficial to walk in nature, not asking anything specific, and this will give them the opportunity to talk about what is really going on. Amazing things bubble up when one is in a different environment.
    
  • Some questions to ask or take note of: Do they have unrealistic expectations for themselves and their children? Have they gone through any traumatic experience, divorce, move, new school, new job, death, etc? Each person goes through these experiences uniquely.
    
  • Encourage them by acknowledging improvements, talents, and efforts.
    
  • Have them set realistic goals related to their yelling. What can they do instead of yelling? Help them to find positive solutions to this problem.
    

  Who can I call when I’m stressed from parenting?

  In Alameda County, call the Family Paths 24 hour Support & Resource Line at (800) 829-3777

  How do I know if something is child abuse?

  You may not know if something is child abuse. Here is some information regarding the four major types of child abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect. Legal definitions of child abuse vary by state. The rules below apply to California.

  Physical Abuse is characterized by the infliction of physical injury as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, burning, shaking or otherwise harming a child. Anything that leaves a mark is considered child abuse and should be reported to Children and Family Services (CFS).

  Emotional Abuse(psychological/verbal abuse/mental injury) includes acts by parents or caregivers that could cause serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders. Some parent/caregiver behavior, without any harm evident in the child's behavior or condition, may warrant CFS intervention. For example, extreme forms of punishment, such as confinement of a child in a dark closet. Less extreme abuse, such as habitual scapegoating and belittling, are often difficult to prove and, therefore, CFS may not be able to intervene without evidence of harm to the child.

  Sexual Abuse includes fondling a child's genitals, intercourse, incest, rape, sodomy, exhibitionism, and commercial exploitation through prostitution or the production of pornographic materials.

  Neglect is characterized by failure to provide for the child's basic needs. Neglect can involve physical, educational, or emotional deprivation.

  If you suspect child abuse call Children and Family Services (CFS) at (510) 259-1800 (Alameda County) or call 911.

  How can I tell if a child is being abused?

  One cannot always tell if a child is being abused. Children are potential victims of child abuse because they are vulnerable and powerless members of our society. Child abuse comes in many forms, physical abuse, emotional, sexual, and neglect. Some of the tell-tale signs are; bruises, scratches, broken bones, burns, welts, absence from school, wearing inappropriate clothing for the weather to conceal injuries, consistently hungry, lack of sufficient clothes, shelter, medical care, hygiene or fatigue.

  How do I report child abuse?

  If you suspect a child has been or is being abused, call Children and Family Services (CFS) at (510) 259-1800 or 911.

  At what age can you leave a child at home alone?

  We realize that there are situations where children must be left at home. In today’s world, we would not recommend leaving a young child at home alone without another trusting adult. Even if your child is a teen, there are internet predators.

  If you do leave your children at home please ask yourself these following questions:

  • Does your child have enough experience to be left alone?
  • Will he/she know what to do/say if a stranger knocks on the door?
  • Will he/she obey the rules if her friends knock on the door when they were told not to let anyone in until you returned?
  • If the house catches on fire, or there is an emergency, do they know what to do? How responsible is your child?
  • How dependable is your child?
  Having said that, the decision depends upon the length of time you’ll be away, the amount of responsibility you regularly give your child and the conscientiousness of your child. If your child has proven over and over again to you his/her ability to be responsible and trustworthy, they probably could be left at home alone. Role-play scenarios with your child to be sure they know what to do and whom to call in particular situations.

  Is my child “normal”?

  All children develop at their own individual rate and speed. Some children will walk earlier than others, get their teeth at different ages, or potty train later. To get a sense of what’s “normal”, read some books on developmental stages. The book series by Ames and Ilg series are an excellent source of information on anything you need to know about children at particular stages of development. The authors are Louise Bates Ames, PhD., and Frances L. Ilg, M.D. They can be obtained through the public library. If your child has had many traumatic experiences, he may be behind in some developmental areas – physical, cognitive, mental/emotional or social.

  What is normal behavior for a 3 year old? 4 year old?

  The Ames and Ilg collection explains all stages of development from 1 -14 years of age. If you want to know what is normal for these age groups, read “Your 3-year-old” or “Your 4-year-old.” They are excellent.

  Why does my child seem to want to misbehave even though they know they will get into trouble?

  Be sure your child is not hungry, overly tired or overly stressed. It’s very easy for a child to misbehave if they are feeling uncomfortable.

  Children repeat behavior for which they get attention. Many parents rarely, if ever, pay attention to their children for behaving nicely. The moment the child misbehaves, the parent gets upset. Hence, the child who wants attention simply has to misbehave to get the needed attention even if they know they will get in trouble because negative attention is better than no attention at all. You can redirect your child into more positive behavior by focusing on what you want them to do rather than what they are doing wrong. Give them a choice. If possible, ignore the unwanted behavior and as soon as they begin to do something different, acknowledge them for the wanted behavior. Do the unexpected.

  Spend special time with your child on a regular basis doing something the child wants. This encourages good behavior. You may want to set up a simple rule with your child around a particular misbehavior.

  For example if they whine the rule could be: Mom will not listen to you when you whine because I can’t understand what you are saying.

  If the child whines Mom says, “What’s the rule about whining?”
  The child responds, “You won’t listen to me.”
  Mom says, “I will listen when you use your big girl voice.”
  The child may need a couple reminders in the beginning. When your child does use her big girl voice, don’t just say to yourself, “Well it’s about time.”
  Instead, tell your daughter, “Wow, you are talking like a big girl. I understood everything you said. I like talking to you when you talk in your big girl voice.”

  When you say something like this, you encourage your child which makes them feel good they will want to hear more encouraging words. Remember, you are always teaching your child something. Teach them what you really want them to know and do. Put a smile in your voice as you use encouragement.

  How do I lower my stress when taking care of my children?

  Raising children is, at times, a very stressful job. There are many things you can do to lower stress. Here are some ideas:

  • Take time for yourself, even if it’s just 15 minutes daily.
  • Learn to breathe deeply and often.
  • Stretching and counting to 10 until you feel calm.
  • Sing.
  • Meditate.
  • Exercise.
  • Take walks in nature.
  • Get organized. Organize your space as well as your children’s space so toys and clothes are easy to get to and put away.
  • Focus more on what you enjoy than on what you find stressful.
  • Spend time with supportive friends and family.
  • Look for the good in situations and in your children.
  • Set realistic goals for you and your family and allow others to help you.
  • Laugh often.
  Our thoughts are so powerful. The way we think about things affects the way we will experience them. If I think my child is going through the “terrible twos” and I keep looking at all the terrible things they are doing, I will undoubtedly find myself getting quite stressed. I can choose to think about this same period of time with interest and call it the “terrific twos”. This change in thought and attitude will produce something distinctly different. Instead of thinking how horrible my child is, I can look at the wonderful ways they are learning, growing, and changing. A change of attitude reduces stress exponentially.

  How do I stop my child from throwing a tantrum in public places?

  We know how difficult this might be, especially if you are a single parent with no local support. If possible, do not take your children out in public when they are tired, hungry or sick. Being out in public can over stimulate them and cause them to have a tantrum. Teach your children at home and model how you want them to behave in public. If you give them many opportunities at home to practice, chances are they will be fine. Practice at home sitting through the entire meal, chewing with one’s mouth closed, saying please and thank you, etc. Let children know in advance what to expect and what you expect of them. Bring some of your child’s favorite toys or books with you when going out to keep them occupied. Model calm behavior to encourage appropriate behavior in your children.

  How do I handle my wild teenager?

  The teenager’s job is to discover themselves and their relationship to the world around them, to become independent, to question values and move toward a more mature sense of identity and purpose. Teenagers’ main questions are: “Who am I?” and “How can I fit into this world and find significance?” With these questions there comes a tremendous amount of change for some teens and their families. Adolescents are changing dramatically – physically there may be growth spurts – rapid change in height, weight, voice lowering, sex organs enlarging, pubic hair, and facial hair for boys. In many cases these changes do not occur in a smooth, regular manner which may leave the adolescent feeling awkward, uncoordinated and sensitive. There is growing amount of research now that shows that the brain is continuing to develop during this time. This could explain why some teens seem to be inconsistent in controlling their emotions, impulses and judgments.

  Adolescents may become preoccupied with their appearance and may become self-centered. Peer group is very important. They may also believe they are invincible and take unnecessary risks because this is a time of experimentation. Since their job is to learn to become independent adults, they may be incredibly oppositional and do things they know will irritate you. Teenagers sometimes choose values opposite to the family values to differentiate themselves.

  Some tips for parents:

  • Try to remember when you were that age. Focus on and acknowledge your teens’ strengths, talents, contributions and efforts.
  • Listen to their ideas and opinions even though they may be entirely different from yours.
  • Don’t try to be “right” or overpower your teenager by forcing them to believe as you do.
  • Rather than getting into a power struggle, give yourself a time-out to cool down.
  • Teens still need boundaries and support.
  • Set some rules with your teen’s input, and STICK TO THEM.
  • Respect your teen’s privacy. They usually need time to contemplate the changes taking place within them.
  • Be available to your teen. Be consistent yet flexible remembering your teen’s job is to detach from you and establish their own identity.
  • Be patient. Teens will make mistakes. With your help, mistakes can give the teen an opportunity to learn to solve problems and grow.
  • If your adolescent appears depressed, isolated, disinterested in school or social activities, and school performance deteriorates, encourage them to speak to the school counselor.
  Your teen’s job is to establish themselves as separate from the family and find their own identity. There is dramatic change for both the teen and the family. It is important for both to understand what is happening to the teen physically, emotionally, cognitively and socially. There are many developmental milestones and teens must move through in order to know themselves and become independent.

  How do I stop my kid from having sex?

  If your children are already having sex, you may have difficulty getting them to stop. At this point, one thing you can do is educate them on what can happen – pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted disease – and give suggestions that will keep them safe. If you have friends or family that have successfully gone through this issue with their teenager try asking their advice.

  If you have young children, begin talking to them about sex when they ask. Some children begin asking around age 5 or 6. There are books that make talking about the birds and bees easier. As children begin to develop they need a more in-depth discussion. Some parents feel shy about talking to their children about sex. Children will get this information from others, namely their peers, if they don’t get it from you therefore talk to your children early and often.

  There are many good books for children about sex. Here a few old classics:

  For Kids:
  "What is a Boy? What is a girl?" by Stephanie Waxman
  "Growing up feeling good: A child's introduction to sexuality” by Stephanie Waxman

  For Tweens:
  "Growing and Changing" by Ruth Bell

  For Teens:
  "Changing Bodies, Changing Lives" by Ruth Bell and other co-authors

  These times can be scary for your children and many myths can arise if they talk only to their friends. Let them know what is happening in their bodies and that these changes are normal.

  You can provide opportunities for them to be with members of the opposite gender in platonic group settings which may consist of a choir or theater group, sports, etc. Hanging out with members of the opposite sex as friends can be a great way for preadolescents to get to know and like each other without having sex.